DON’T WASTE YOUR CALORIES: THESE DESSERTS ARE STREET PERFORMERS

Somewhere along the way, dessert in New York stopped trying to taste good and started auditioning for Times Square. Taller. Louder. Covered in props. We are rewarding chaos with our wallets and calling it indulgence.

Let’s start with the grand ringmaster: Black Tap’s CrazyShake in SoHo. A milkshake hiding behind a cake hat with weeks-old frosting glued to the rim. There’s candy skewered through whipped cream. Underneath the sugar scaffolding is a thin, also overly sweet shake that tastes like generic soft serve melted into milk. Pass.

Black Tap

Then there’s Serendipity3’s Golden Opulence Sundae on the Upper East Side. It’s one of the “most expensive desserts in the world,” layered with edible gold and more luxury buzzwords. Strip away the gold leaf that’s unlikely to taste like anything and you’re left with ice cream and chocolate arranged unimpressively. Price does not equal depth here, it’s just for attention.

At Sugar Factory in Midtown, the King Kong Sundae arrives in a bowl big enough to bathe the ape in. It is literally 24 scoops and an entire candy aisle dumped on top. Sparklers shoot out like a bottle service parade. It feeds a table and tastes like every scoop came from a different freezer burn timeline.

Sugar Factory

Even the spots that should know better get swept up. The Comeback Sundae at Gage & Tollner is polished and towering, a glossy monument to excess. Yet, it’s forgettable. The layers blur into sweet on sweet on sweet. The chandeliers are far more memorable than the food.

Gage & Tollner

And yes, the Samoa Sundae at The Corner Store looks like it was assembled during a sugar rush. There’s a toasted coconut avalanche and caramel flood. That doesn’t sound all bad to all, but the cookie crown teetering on top induces anxiety. I guess it’s playful, but you won’t be after eating it. By the fourth bite, your jaw is frozen and your palate is beat to death.