ESPRESSO MARTINI PEOPLE ARE EXHAUSTED, TERRIFIED OF BEDTIME, AND WILL NOT SHUT THE F*** UP.

By Leila Molitor

They walk in, already shaky, looking like they just finished a 14-hour workday that started at 5 AM, and they're running purely on spite and weak cell service. They don’t want a drink; they want a defibrillator with a nice foam top. They treat exhaustion like a lifestyle choice, a status symbol they can wear right next to their expensive, ill-fitting blazer. Overworked, overbooked, under-slept. They think two hours of rest is "fine." They’re the ones who will call it a "high-performance cocktail." Bullshit. It’s survival mode with garnish.

The lie they tell themselves is that this beverage is strategic. They believe it offers a perfect, clean energy spike to propel them into a successful networking session or a "meaningful" late-night chat. Their actual belief? The caffeine will completely negate the five shots of vodka they’re about to pound. They pregame meetings with these things and don’t understand why their heart rate hates them or why they have a 2 AM anxiety attack about their fourth-grade spelling bee. They are addicted to the feeling of being busy.

Martini one: Confidence. They’re loudly summarizing a complex financial document to anyone who makes eye contact. “It’s about scale, you know?” Martini two: Speeches. The energy starts to feel hostile. They’re using the phrase “disrupt the industry” unironically. They’ve moved into a full-blown monologue about their childhood trauma or their five-year plan. No middle ground. Martini three: Crimes against dignity. They’re yelling at the bartender to "turn it up" when the bar is playing Otis Redding. The glossy eyes are here.

Peak chaos arrives when the caffeine and alcohol cancel each other out in the middle of a sentence. They’re crying while trying to pitch a start-up idea to a bouncer. They’ll text their ex something completely unhinged, then immediately pivot to emailing their boss a 10-slide deck at 3:00 AM. They are the friends you love because they make your life seem calm, but you shouldn’t. They are a ticking time bomb of ambition and bad decisions.