Somewhere along the way, sandwich makers decided the goal was gym-bro-level protein and something colorful to see after it’s cut in two. The deli guy sticks two toothpicks like studs and smear sauces like spackle while praying it stays upright while they tell you to unhinge your jaw and “enjoy.” There’s an audible thud when it hits the checkout counter.

Sal, Kris, and Charlie’s Deli brag about sandwiches that are beyond what any human can eat. See for yourself. The Bomb looks like a dare. You do not want this brick in your bag on the way home. People recommend splitting as if anyone would want ¼ of it.

Faicco’s has my respect for being a business open 100+ years, but again, being one of the biggest sandwiches in NYC is not the flex you think it is. The Italian Special is too stuffed, but my greatest beef is with its Muffeletta. One of my favorite sandwiches has been smushed into an inedible hunk of sausages and other compressed meats.

Need I remind you: big sandwiches always break you the same way. First bite, dry top crust. Second bite, nothing but stacked cold cuts stuck together. Third bite, oil runs down your sleeve and you’re leaning forward like you’re protecting a newborn. By bite four, the bottom bread has given up. Sooner or later, sauces will shoot out the back. 

This is your sign to stay away from the “pretty” sandwiches – they don’t taste as good as they photograph. Demand better bites for yourself.

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